His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
