I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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