my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
