Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Randomize
