Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
