WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
