life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I could make wine with my vomit
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
