He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
