i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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