He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The air was thick with penises
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
