I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
