girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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