So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
