I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
