I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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