also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
