I faked an abortion last night.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
