i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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