had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
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I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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