I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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