??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
