I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
