FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
