he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.