you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
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I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
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I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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