the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
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Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
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I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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