She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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