My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
