All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
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