im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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