I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
