All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
