Tell her she can't have a vagina
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
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I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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