we're chasing vodka with high fives
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
