ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
