WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
