all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
