my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
