i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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