went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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