My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Randomize
