And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
