i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
