no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
