I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I think I sprained my soul last night
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
