I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
