i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
