I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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