You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
