How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
