I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
not ubering you a puppy
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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