Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
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