So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Randomize
