just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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