WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
