Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Im part way to drunk.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Randomize
