My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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